im replying you, because ayah cant.

http://notyoursaviour.blogspot.com/2009/02/im-fucked-up.html

i just dont knw why. i cried so bad before im writing this entry and im sure im going to cry again. yes brother, im replying you now because we both know ayah wont. im not trying to be on anyone's side, im just telling you how i feel.

dont you know how much ayah and ibu love you? cnt u even feel it? its always you who got whtever u want, whtever u asked for, they try their very best to give it to u. dont u realise that they give u money EVERYDAY? that we, other siblings never gt tht privileged? and we used to get jelous of u, do you knw that? do you know how much they have spent on u, on ur college fees,
on ur cigarette, on ur medications, and they never complained.

i cn still remember u once left home for one whole week when u were 15 or 16. ibu used to cry, and ayah was so worried, and i even thot of losing u when theres no news and no ways to contact u. and when u finally came back, everybody was soooo happy. cnt u see how everyone loves you?

we are not the diamond in the family, u are. u think its easy for us to be where we are now? do you know how much time i spent on my books at night while u were having fun with ur frens or sleeping nicely on ur bed? do you know how abang struggled with his studies and how much work he did to anable him to go to aussie? do you know how much tey hates chemistry but she have to like it because thres no other way to pass the exam?

you knw ayah always wanted to send you to music school because he feels that it is something u'll outshine with, you'll enjoy doing it and u r so talented in it. and i just dont know why you dont want to go, untill now. i thot music is ur passion. just so you know, ayah let you choose and he never forced you.

ape yang ayah cakap, yang ayah marah, yang ayah bebel, itu semua utk kebaikan kau jugak. kenapa kau kene salah kan ayah setiap kali kau gagal dlm ape yg kau nk buat sedangkn kau yg xnk berusaha, dan x sanggup nk konon nye hidup tanpa kwn2. dkt mana pon ayah hntr kau belajar kalau kau yg xberubah mmg mcm ni je lh smpai bila2. ayah tu bagi nasihat sebagai seorang ayah, bkn mcm kwn2 kau yg nasihat ke arah utk menyenang kn hati mereka sendiri. kau xsedar ke yg kawan tu dtg dan pergi dan mmg betul pun ape yang ayah ckp selama ni.

why is it so hard for you to give them at least one thing that they hope from you? why is it so hard for you to stay there just for another few months and make them happy. you are not going to die because of few sacrifices you are going to make in ths few months left of your entire life. they are the one who are going to die. our parents are not getting younger my brother, they are getting older, and we dont know when they will closes their eyes. and before that time comes, dont you want to see them smile for you? for your success?

so plis stay. and continue just for another few months. if you want ayah to respect you, you hv to gain it. and stop complaining of wht you dont have, when you have so much to be grateful of. im writing this because i care, and because u are my brother. i know i cnt do much. bt at least when u read this, u'll at least realise few things that u nvr realise before. if u cnt speak to ayah on how u feel, u know u'll always hv ibu and kami.

p/s: the joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears. they cannot utter the one, nor will they utter the other.